Posted on by Allison Marie Conway

In Command of the Darkness

Any kind of addiction or abuse is an attempt to outrun the darkness inside of you. That may sound counterintuitive but it’s the truth. Nobody’s life is devoid of trauma, separation anxiety, fear of the unknown, maladaptive measures of self-destruction where there ought to be serenity.

Fuck ‘self-love’ and ‘self-care’ and all that fuzzy blanket bullshit. You have to go into the darkness you have been running from. The thing you were told was obscene. The thing that you were never allowed to speak about or express or acknowledge. The part of you you were told could not exist. But you knew it did. You knew it. That part of you that writhed inside, that they kept hacking away at but that always grew back louder with more heads and more teeth. The place inside of you you were told was grotesque, hideous, unclean. You were forbidden to look.

You know why they forbid it?

Because you will find yourself there. They didn’t want you to look because they were afraid you might find yourself there. And because they couldn’t bear the thought that parts of you were dark because if that were true about you, what did it say about them? Their keeping you from the shadow was their keeping you from yourself. But that’s the only way you will ever make peace with it. Not by getting out of it, by getting into it. You’ve got to crawl into your darkness. You have to get into where the sickness first began. Your sick inheritance.

Not so you can kill it off. You will never kill it off. What you want is to be able to peer into the eyes of it, the wound of it, understand it. Once it’s integrated into your own reconstruction of yourself, you own it. Dominate it. Become its master. Until you do, you can never comprehend the profound benevolence of that. The unfathomable power of being in command of yourself.

32 Replies to “In Command of the Darkness”

  1. I like these words. They tell the truth. A truth that, as this article explained, we are avoiding.

    Indeed, too many people avoid themselves, when they believe that to avoid other people can be their best answer. Avoid “toxic” or “negative” people? What of the self? I, too, question this. It’s a question that says, “If we avoid everyone we deem to be of a negative quality, do we become the last person to avoid?”

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  4. Staring into the eyes of the darkness and taking command of it-super powerful! I’ve been doing this work and it’s hard and humbling and eye-opening. You can never outrun pain, it will always always be there.

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  5. I love this article. I think many times people are urged not to talk about their struggles, especially with mental health. Confronting those struggles is so much better than trying to outrun them! Outrunning them is impossible. Learning from them and understanding where they come from is possible and amazing.

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  6. Pingback: In Command of the Darkness - TylerLatvala
  7. Pingback: In Command of the Darkness – My Bipolar Survival

  9. There is so much truth to this. To seeing the darkness for what it is and dragging it into the daylight. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and this was so beautifully written! Thanks for sharing

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  10. Facing the shadow demons that lie within is a bravery beyond words. They appear much bigger and terrifying than your mind can withstand. Sometimes I just grab onto my heart and let them work their way out. Insightful write. Thank you for this 💕🕊💕

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  13. I love the way you stated facts especially the part that said, you are denied to explore your darkness because they fear you will fi d yourself in there.. loved it!

    Liked by 1 person

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