This Is How It Falls Apart (audio) (day 131)

He talks about how when the collapse of the United States happens most people won’t realize it. In fact, it’s already here. At least, that’s what he writes in his wildly popular article which I stumbled across whilst scrolling around on Twitter. I do not know him nor do I even remember his name but what he says makes sense to me.

It is not unlike the way an addiction takes down a life from the inside out, subtly at first. Like a tiny gently whirling cyclone made of dull smooth blades. As the addiction ingrains itself, the faster the blades will turn, and the faster they will turn, the sharper they will become.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Not yet.

Maybe never. Not to you, certainly. Never to you. Or me.

But to some people. Some other people, unfortunately. There will have to be others. And won’t that be a tragedy.

The chaos begins in the mind, in the body, in the brain, in the organs, in the cells. But you can’t even feel it. Not really. You begin to believe the chaos – the brutality, the abuse, the fragility, confusion, injuries, arguments, panic, anxiety, sickness – you begin to believe they are all normal. Your sense of normal is warped, which is a problem only compounded by the fact that the distortion extends seamlessly from your perception of yourself to your perception of others.

Everybody drinks this much, don’t they. Don’t they?

You are not sure if it is a question or a lamentation or a speculation; a truth or a falsity, when it runs like a ticker in your mind like that.

Ticking, ticking, ticking more and more often. Evening bleeds to night bleeds to morning bleeds to day after day after day.

There are wars out there. Freedoms revoked. Screams and tears and sad, sad, scenes. It’s all around you and it is nowhere to be seen when you are just like everybody else. Aren’t you? At the bar, in the airport, in the over-air-conditioned office sipping shit coffee. You are making love to your wife and you are not sure if it’s out of habit or out of love or out of fear, and all the while it is happening, the disintegration. The way the fibers of your own inner structure are pulling away from one another. The fraying is soft before it is harsh. The harshness gets turned up like a slow simmering heat that forces the blades.

I know about destruction and I know about resurrection. I know both can happen in a flash or take their long ass time, but either way, the former does not necessarily guarantee the latter. But even what seems sudden can be deceiving. There are always signs. There are always rumblings, indicators, signals. Warnings. If you are paying attention.

They are there even if you are not paying attention. Even if you refuse to believe.


Photo: self portrait, bleached out black and white

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