Posted on by Allison Marie Conway

Why You Finally Quit the Drinking (day 115)

Even more crucial than identifying your “problem” is identifying yourself. Getting sober is not about deciding “how bad things are” or “if they could be worse.”

Hi: they could always be worse.

Instead, sobriety is about defining who you are in this life. What are the values you will honor in yourself. For what truths will you stand up and be unwavering.

At my side as I journal and write this morning, along with my beloved black coffee and against all discernible odds, is the Big Book. I bought it because even just the title “Alcoholics Anonymous” embossed on the cover in all caps frightened me.

Not that. Please. Anything but that.

But alas here we are. It is that. My addiction is mine. My thing. My beast. My blessing. My angel my demon and everything in between.

I bought the AA Book because I spent a decade terrified to admit that I struggled to control my drinking. I thought my addiction would kill me either way – if I kept going or if I tried to stop. Either way, shame kept me paralyzed and numb.

I know AA is controversial and for good reason. I know it has helped millions to heal their own lives also for good reason. I believe everyone will find their own way, including me. The important thing is I’m open to finding my own way.

Maybe I will read the Big Book word for word. Maybe I will not. Maybe I will take what resonates with my soul, mind, and heart, and leave the rest. Maybe it will help, maybe it will hurt. I know that I will know.

For me right now it’s a triumph I never thought possible just to have this book in my hands.

To trust I will know my path forward whatever it may be. To know it does not include alcohol ever again. To know I’m already 115 days on the other side of a murderous kind of denial.

Because the thing is, it doesn’t matter how much you drink or how often or if you fit a label or a profile or pop positive based on some random online quiz. If you are hiding from yourself you have to explore that in order to find yourself and get free. Without judgement. Without blame or shame or self-cruelty.

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Author’s note: If you believe this post can help others and/or yourself please share it. By “help” I mean simply to start a respectful conversation that otherwise may remain in the shadows of frightened minds. We need to be talking about this in new ways. It’s time.

12 Replies to “Why You Finally Quit the Drinking (day 115)”

  1. We can pick ourselves up by our bootstraps, just as we can accept who we are, but there’s no choice. It is what it is or nothing. Alcoholism is deadly, and the big book; the best path out of the dark pit of misery. I haven’t read it from cover to cover, but what calls me, and it’s worked.
    Best wishes.

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  3. Thank you, as always.
    I will be interested in your response to the big book. It was considered foundational when I got sober 30 years ago, but i struggled mightily to get past what I felt was the chauvinistic and religious aspects of it. And i find myself still at odds over much of it. But it changed the game, unquestionably.
    People, no, actually it was men, reassured me it was “dated” , a product of its time but the message was timeless. I guess all that is true, but I suspect I wouldnt have made it if I was solely reliant on it.
    I found ” Under the Influence ” by Kathleen Ketchum, a then radical scientific analysis of how addicts process alcohol differently. It became a companion piece, along with Mitchell’s Tao, to the Big Book, some academic and spiritual yin to the yang of AA.
    And here I am almost 31 years later, gratefully sober and eager to help anyone finding their own way.

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  4. “Without judgement. Without blame or shame or self-cruelty.” This is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face in all my life. Showing myself grace. It’s taken a lot of years to get to the point of not hating myself on some level.

    If you’re already there, I’m amazed by and proud of you. I’m going to tell you every time how thankful I am that you share all of this with us. It’s so human and real and I just want to hug you and tell you how great you’re doing. 🤗🤗

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