I swear to god this is going to sound fucking insane but I am dead serious when I share it. It may seem small but it feels so gigantic inside I can’t even hold on to it so I have to leave it here on the page. The air last night was so beautiful, so wet with springtime earth and cool possibility. The sky was the exact whitegray color of rain that is my absolute favorite. I was with the two people I love the most in this whole wide world. We sat out in the back yard talking about nothing in particular. And the trees stood stark and black and wild, reaching high into the evening fog. Birds darting and flickering all across the low bushes. And I felt so intensely present, clear, electric with beauty. Not that I was beautiful but that I was inside of all of the beauty of everything.
And it was nearly unbearable to feel that amount of joy, that amount of sheer and present love for this single ridiculous life. And I thought, fuck this hurts. A drink could kill this terrible crush of a feeling of absolute divinity off so I would not have to feel its cruel touch. And this was more jarring to me than any other craving I have ever felt in the seventy-eight days I have been sober. This crystal clear revelation that what I was running from was not just the excruciating pain. But also the excruciating beauty of this life. And I thought: holy fuck, I get it. This is why we drink on beaches watching sunsets. We cannot bear the beauty we are gifted. We cannot bear the truth that we are loved so far beyond comprehension that when we get close to it all we can think to do is end it.