All We Can Do (audio) (day 78)

I swear to god this is going to sound fucking insane but I am dead serious when I share it. It may seem small but it feels so gigantic inside I can’t even hold on to it so I have to leave it here on the page. The air last night was so beautiful, so wet with springtime earth and cool possibility. The sky was the exact whitegray color of rain that is my absolute favorite. I was with the two people I love the most in this whole wide world. We sat out in the back yard talking about nothing in particular. And the trees stood stark and black and wild, reaching high into the evening fog. Birds darting and flickering all across the low bushes. And I felt so intensely present, clear, electric with beauty. Not that I was beautiful but that I was inside of all of the beauty of everything.

And it was nearly unbearable to feel that amount of joy, that amount of sheer and present love for this single ridiculous life. And I thought, fuck this hurts. A drink could kill this terrible crush of a feeling of absolute divinity off so I would not have to feel its cruel touch. And this was more jarring to me than any other craving I have ever felt in the seventy-eight days I have been sober. This crystal clear revelation that what I was running from was not just the excruciating pain. But also the excruciating beauty of this life. And I thought: holy fuck, I get it. This is why we drink on beaches watching sunsets. We cannot bear the beauty we are gifted. We cannot bear the truth that we are loved so far beyond comprehension that when we get close to it all we can think to do is end it.

21 Replies to “All We Can Do (audio) (day 78)”

  1. Precisely. The challenge with being truly awake, truly conscious, is the enormity, the breadth and depth, of feeling.

    So beautiful it hurts isn’t a throwaway, It’s real, its huge and its scary as hell. Rilke understood. A century onward it’s apparent you do as well.

    Not insane. Sanity , scary and beautiful beyond compare.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing all of your experiences both good and bad. Also idk if you even follow me, seeing that my writing is no-where near as good as yours, but I posted a blog post dedicated to you. Basically jus sayin I appreciate the things you do choose to share, and your creative peices you write that go along with all that is, you. It was called something along the lines of, “Payin respect where it’s due. And a shout out to you. Your words are poetic justice in this huge world we live in.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Iā€™m honestly overwhelmed by how much this means to me, that you would take the time and care to share such beautiful kind thoughts. Please forgive my less than enough response. Thank you beyond what Iā€™m capable of expressing right now. Iā€™m so damn grateful. šŸ¤šŸ¤šŸ¤

    Liked by 1 person

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