There are stories I am not sharing because it isn’t time. Maybe one day I will. Maybe not. They are too dark and too upsetting and I believe as a writer I have no business sharing things I am not in control of. By that I mean, I have not yet worked through having compassion for myself with regard to what happened in those stories. What I did. What substance abuse did to me. But they are there inside of me just the same. They have become touch stones for me as I navigate the wilderness of clean living. Whenever the voice in my mind tries to tell me ‘alcohol isn’t so bad – just have one’ I can recall those stories vividly and they stop me cold.
What you come to learn in sobriety is that you have every right to set up your own boundaries. You can say what you need to say, and not say what you need to keep to yourself. You do not owe anyone an answer or explanation for anything. You need not justify your choices. You can identify your own needs and then make sure they get met. You can walk away from what or who does not deserve you. You can use the tools that serve you well and leave the rest behind.
Perhaps the craziest thing I have learned so far is that getting sober is more about me than about alcohol. So very much more. We are obsessed with drinking in the USA. It’s everywhere. We get trashed in yoga studios and marathons and while painting and celebrating and mourning and everything inbetween. We are surrounded by trash which is all polished and pretty and romanticized and destroying our brains and our memories and numbing out all the good shit.
What an insane journey this is. What an absolute trip to get sane in an insane world.
You can find me on Instagram @allisonmarieconway