There’s this debate in the sober circles about whether or not to say forever as in ‘sober for life’ forever. I believe if you are an addict (another conflicted term but it’s the only one I’ve got so far) then you have to quit forever but I don’t know if you have to *say* forever because that word might scare off your sobriety. Sobriety first, words second. Say whatever you need to say to stay sober.
Forever feels very heavy to some people and I get that. The thought of ‘I can never have a drink ever again’ is kind of petrifying and sounds super final like a death sentence. You are just trying to get through today ffs.
*One day at a time* is real. It helps me. #odaat
Saying forever also helps me, too. Because it snuffs out any lingering burn to try to leave the door propped open to alcohol. Like as in I probably won’t but I just might. I could. I get jealous of people who can actually ‘take it or leave it.’ I want to tell them I always took and leaving felt completely impossible to me for a long, long time.
It wasn’t that I wasn’t functioning. I totally was. Job, family, money, responsibility. I was writing in the mornings just like I do now. The trickiest part, perhaps, was that there were very few outward indicators. Most of the red flags pop up in your own mind and may not trigger anyone else around you to think you have a problem. Let’s face it – a lot of us have this problem. More than are ready to admit it. We are measuring ourselves against a culture which is so booze-centric it’s impossible to not have a distorted view of ourselves when we look at ourselves through a busted up cultural lens.
It’s tricky because now that I have sixty-two days and nights between me and my last drink, I am starting to question myself. Or should I say the addiction is starting to mess with me. I get this voice in my head which says Are we done with this little performance yet? Can we please get back to normal now? You are not a real sober person. No one actually believes you. They know this is an act and they actually hate you for it. They think you are obnoxious. An attention whore. You do not get to be different you are not special enough.
This is egoistic bullshit of course. You don’t get sober because you believe you are better than anybody else. You get sober because you would like to believe you deserve what everybody else does: a decent life in which you get to be all of who you are before who you are disappears into the ether for good.
You can find me on Instagram @allisonmarieconway