Remember you belong to yourself. First. This means don’t let them determine your: feelings, choices, creations, opinions, words, perspectives, goals, desires, visions, dreams, pleasures, sorrows, pains, solutions, problems. They don’t know, is what I am saying. Nobody out there knows you in here. I talk to myself a good bit these days. I do not give a fuck if I am crazy. The world we live in is batshit insane. If crazy means I go left when they go right, not a problem.
Here is one ridiculous but sincere absurdity you will fear if you decide to be done with substance abuse: that you will somehow become very boring. I thought I’d have to somehow prove that wrong, you know like: look how much fun I’m still having now that I have kicked the habit. Fuck that. What happens is I do not give a shit what you think of me. I do not care what you think is boring. Like I literally do not care so much that it’s hilarious when I think about how I thought I’d think about it.
It’s a time thing, do you see what I mean. I don’t care because I simply don’t have the time. You become very aware of time in a whole new way when you get clean. Addiction focuses you on the moment only not in the richly mindful way but rather in the bloated hysterical obsessive maniac way. Once you break out of that chomping – which is hard af please do not misunderstand or underestimate – but once you crawl your way out of that cycle and get yourself a bit higher up out of it, above it, you can look back across where you came from and see all the waste. How determined you were to ruin everything whilst thinking you were fixing it. Now that you have stopped destroying your body and mind you get a bunch of time back you never realized you had. You get really curious.
At even the slightest higher elevation – I’m still working that wording out, I mean elevation not because I am above anyone else but that I am above that low vibe experience I was trapped in before, does this make sense? – they say this happens at about sixty days sober and I am now at fifty-seven but I did just sail through my first sober funeral Irish wake so this affords me a couple jumps ahead I feel like but I digress. . . fully in the clear of the ‘before times’ let us say. . . I can see a lot of the bullshit I went through. The pressures of a culture that oppresses the living fuck out of anyone who tries to take care of themselves first, especially women but that’s a whole other blog post that’s probably coming.
Waking up early on Saturday morning for coffee entirely hangover free will never get old. The only trouble now is I have a thousand things to say and no idea quite how to organize or say them. Here I am though. I am still here and I am on the verge of something so wild and beautiful I can damn near believe it.
You can find me on Instagram @allisonmarieconway