Posted on by Allison Marie Conway

Voices of Addiction (audio)

Her fake fingernails are so long and sharp that I fear for the safety of her pussy when she masturbates. They are black at the base and gradually end up a slime green by the time the color drains off at the tips, which are not only sliced into a razor point but are also curved inward like talons. I’m repulsed and transfixed. I think it is absurd but I also think it is wildly entertaining. I never do shit like that. My nails are as short as possible so I can write either in a notebook or on a keyboard without any obstruction.

I hate salons and I hate spas. I don’t want anyone touching me it is beyond unsettling. I take my own baths and massage my own feet and all the rest. The whole self-care thing gets on my last nerve but maybe that’s because what it really means in terms of social currency is shelling out a bunch of time and money I don’t have and even if I did I wouldn’t waste in on that stuff. I like the diamond rhinestone gems that one chick has embedded into the nail on her left ring finger. I watch it flash and do not hear a word she is saying. I wonder if that is her real skin or she’s got some sort of filter. I have never seen a human face without a single pore or blemish in real life but that’s really neither here nor there.

Did you know the Metaverse isn’t even a platform it’s a concept? The concept being the point in time when we all are finally so entrenched in our cyber lives that they take precedence to our physical lives where we actually exist in real time. We will care more about what our digital lives are than any other reality. Begs the question, right? What’s reality? Anyway, her nails are daggers and they make no logical sense. I begin to wonder about her life off screen and how she can possibly get on with those things. But she looks so glossy and happy and that’s really quite lovely I guess is what I should be thinking if I were a nice and good person. I like her nail crystals and I wonder how she will eventually get that shit off when the time comes because the time will inevitably come but why think about that when you have bigger fish to fry like not slicing your own clitty off when you take your body downtown.

A woman on a podcast is talking into my earbuds about sex addiction. To hear her describe the life of an addict is tragic and intriguing. She talks about ‘intriguing’ actually, which I think is when you try to seduce someone because you crave affection, attention, it’s a high and a rush and quitting using people like that is hard af. Especially in this kind of world where we are so isolated. But it isn’t just the isolation, is it. It’s the isolation compounded by the illusion of closeness. The illusion of relationship where there is nothing tangible to actually build upon.

She talks about porn and how it has ruined boys and men and girls and women, too. Addiction has become a fascination for me. Alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, shopping, they run through all the names of the things which we abuse to abuse ourselves. I am full of ten thousand questions and not a single answer worth sharing. But I’m not going to drink today. And I know nothing at all as clearly and beautifully as I know that. Because I can tell you that metaverse apocalypse or not, destruction is real and it’s just a flick of the wrist away from each and every one of us whether we can see it or not.

26 Replies to “Voices of Addiction (audio)”

  2. Hah! I nearly choked myself with espresso when reading the end of the first sentence. I somehow chuckled, coughed, and gulped at the same time. Now espresso is deeply infused in my nose and most probably a tiny bit of my lungs. Definitely worth it though for this whole piece feels like a tour de force stream of consciousness of the best kind. You know, the kind that paints a world both new and familiar? My mind works similarly a lot of times, however, if I am in a state of mania I will just flat out approach the person that fascinates me because they posses a feature that immediately occupies my mind with a gazillion questions and then I will either offend, weird out, scare or genuinely strike up a friendship with them on the count of asking them the question that most avoid to initiate (holy crap on a stick made of digression – that was a long-ass sentence). Long fingernails would for sure make me think of the same question for sure. 😳🙄😬
    As far as addictions go… I wonder how long does it take for us to recognize that we are addicted to something? Is it once we notice we are causing actual harm to self and/or others? Is it after others start to point it out? Is there a sweet spot where we could still enjoy something and not eventually drown in euphoria we experience and then wake up way past the sweet spot – deep in the morning after bitterness? Or is enjoying something by using “enhancements” a clear sign of not believing we can reach the same heights on our own? 😳

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    2. So glad you got a laugh out of this lol sometimes I think the weirdest shit so I thought why not grace the blog with such nonsense. Yes definitely stream of consciousness…. if I need to write I just say what’s rattling around up there. 🥸 Your question about recognizing we are addicted to something is a really, really thoughtful one, thank you so much for that. For me I noticed I was terrified to quit and then terrified to relapse and I just feel like if something outside of you can cause terror it’s got a hold on you that is way too fucking strong. That said it’s taken me almost a decade to go from ‘I’ve probably got a problem’ to actually being able to face it head on. Addiction and recovery and all that kinda language made me afraid and angry and dismissive. Not sure if that makes sense… 🤍

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      1. Sometimes a good laugh is the best thing to defuse an inner turmoil. Especially if one gets lost in the rabbit hole called trying to figure out what the fuck happened in the past that makes us make very distinct choices that are quite a lot of times far from being good for us. It a good tool to use to snap out of self deprecation, hate, and any other emotion that harms us. You know, I’ve only in recent years discovered that I am among other things “addicted” to gloom and doom. I know it sounds ridiculous yet it can be very much a real thing. Poetically I could point at my southern Slavic roots/traditions that “teach” us that the only way to be happy is to be miserable. Or stupid drunk happy go lucky till the doom makes an appearance and soon after a complete meltdown that ends in blackout. Silly I know…
        I absolutely feel you when it comes to when you realized an addiction is very much real and a problem that necessary needs to be dealt with. Of course to actually go from knowing to doing something about it is a step that many of us never find enough bravery to make. That is why I think you are an absolute rockstar for doing this! ❤️❤️❤️

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply

        1. It isn’t silly to me… it makes perfect sense to me… 🤍
          Thank you for your beautiful, gentle understanding. I am like a pendulum you know what I mean I feel like I can do anything and then later I feel like all I can do is nothing just make the tea sip the tea sit with the tea hold the tea. Thank you for your words they are so lovely to me. ❤️❤️❤️

          Liked by 1 person

          Reply

          1. Sometimes even a simple sitting with and sipping tea is a whole Universe on its own. 🥰
            When I lived in China I participated in tea meditations each Saturday morning. It was the most refreshing of experiences for the mind and the soul. We meditated with 4 very distinct teas during which one could not only learn to deeply taste the tea but also feel eternal gratitude to both the farmers who grew, tended, and picked the tea leaves, and craftsmen who created the tea cups. It was an experience that was both sensual and spiritual. Added bonus was discussing philosophy and poetry in between each meditation. Most probably my warmest memory of my time in China…
            ❤️❤️❤️

            Liked by 2 people

            Reply

  7. This is one to induce both deep reflection and chuckles! Everything you said makes sense as it always does. Also, the reading always leaves me in awe of you! Such a warm, rich voice ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

Gravatar
WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Cancel

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: