Posted on by Allison Marie Conway

Not What They Sold Me (audio)

A springtime breeze slides in through my open window and it makes perfect sense to me even though it is still the dead of winter. The ground is the kind of mud that is so thick it makes a sucking sound when you trudge through in your rubber-soled boots. The fog was so dense yesterday I couldn’t see two feet in front of my face. The warm currents turning to a haunting white vapor as they met with the snow still cold and clinging, but slipping away, on the gray winter landscape. Wet train tracks. A bridge to nowhere as if suspended in thin air. A time of transition. A time of – what was the word from Eat, Pray, Love? Attraversiamo….. we cross over. An end which is a beginning. A risk which is somehow reckless and not at all reckless.

I pull a tarot card which confirms my wildest hopes for renewal. Artistic. Sensual. Grounded in the earth. The waters of my own emotions, gentle and placid, red and violent, in turns. We find ways to abandon ourselves. But something inside is always calling us back. The battle is as real as the pink streaks of light at dawn, the calamity of night against day. The pain and the danger, too. We were made for it, though. Built and designed for all of it. Distorted as this culture is. Twisted. Fucked up as its norms and pressures and false gods may be, we come from someplace so far beyond this world that there is no place we can point to. No star we can promise or claim is home.

Honestly, I am not about this ethereal shit until all of a sudden I am. My tarot tells me this is just the beginning. Of discovery, adventure. Of learning what I actually love, not what I’m told. Of finally knowing what true pleasure is, not what they sold me. Not what I have been swallowing down in gulps of hysteria, panicked of losing a life I only barely knew in glimpses anyway. It’s funny though, isn’t it? How sometimes a glimpse is enough. How if you are very, very lucky, the sweet fresh air will sweep through unexpectedly. And you will recognize it for what it really is: the first next breath you are finally brave enough to take.

33 Replies to “Not What They Sold Me (audio)”

  2. On 4 Feb 2022 Fri at 14:33, Allison Marie Conway wrote:

    > Allison Marie Conway posted: ” A springtime breeze slides in through my > open window and it makes perfect sense to me even though it is still the > dead of winter. The ground is the kind of mud that is so thick it makes a > sucking sound when you trudge through in your rubber-soled” >

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  5. I keep swinging back to either listen or read your latest verbal strings of brilliance that so effortlessly transcends what we call being in the here and now into words that perfectly capture it. Fear, mania, a distinct scent of fog, raw reality, magical realism, whatever the fuck else hovers through us… you streamline it into the reader. Straight into the soul, heart, fucking BE that lies in each new breath we take. I adore this journey of yours! It’s humbling. It’s inspiring. It’s got a very specific “fuck yeah” spirit. In other words I fucking love it!!!

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      1. Oh please let me know what you find, you know your way around the whiskey. I still miss it like fuck but I can’t think about that. I will be enjoying this one tonight it’s called Monday https://drinkmonday.co/products/zero-alcohol-whiskey and I really like the heat going down. Haven’t found myself a virgin cigarette yet so I’m gonna stick with what I got. Haha thank you for making me smile. I hope your weekend is delicious. ❤

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    2. Omg I just misread that as “mainline it into the reader”…. I love that you love it so. It makes me feel like I can do this. I can tolerate all these pin-prick-feelings and maybe even take care of them before they actually hurt me. I’m so grateful to you for coming back. 🤍🤍🤍

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      1. I love coming back because it’s so worth it! Not only does my imagination get a magical verbal spa treatment, my soul purrs as well as it is washed over by the worlds created that are always so amazingly familiar. You are a brilliant healer. Thank you! ❤️❤️❤️

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