People don’t know what they need so they reach for what they think might fix the agitation fastest. It isn’t good or bad it’s just human nature and the filthy rich guys know it better than most. They sell us the fix and they sell us the cure and we are so desperate for a way out of the labyrinth that we believe enough in both to confuse them with each other. Are you watching me? Are you watching what I say and how I say it, trying to peel off the meaning like skinning a cat? It’s nothing to you no matter what, maybe, but still. The thought creeps into my psyche I can’t really help it. It’s just the nature of the thing I do.
People don’t know what they’re doing, you know what I mean. Be careful who you watch and be very concerned with what they say they stand for. You wouldn’t believe some of the shit I’ve seen. If we were together I could tell you about it face to face but what would it matter? Everybody’s got a story. Everybody’s got an angle.
I fantasize about a cigarette and my mouth begins to water. I brush my hair and panic softly about all the ways I have overexposed myself throughout the years – the best and the worst years – of my life. I blame the drink and the ink and the seductive ways of strangers and myths, monsters and dragons and angels and demons and every other self righteous prick who taught us to play with a fire we were never meant to understand.
Today has been a long one. Today has been a tough one. Today still tugs at my tenderest insides even as it melts into evening, whispering sweet nothings about letting go. It’s funny the things which occupy our minds when we forget to listen to our bodies. It’s funny when he tells me to breathe and I realize it might have been decades since I inhaled or exhaled in such a manner that would actually heal me if I would just let it.
I sip hot tea and stare through the dead clear window, eyes hot blue and the trees reach for one another beneath the descending darkness. We could have been anything we chose to be and the trick about that is that we are. We are exactly what we chose to be bit by bit, sunset by sunset. Hand to the heart, heart like an unborn animal. Mind like a loaded gun.