Posted on by Allison Marie Conway

Fairly Certain I’ll Regret This (audio)

So this is not my “usual” content whatever the fuck that means. I am a storyteller and so far all my stories were written by someone who was struggling mightily to control alcohol and was not doing great in that regard let us just say. I wasn’t the worst. I wasn’t the least worst. And I don’t want to be a motivational-self-help-self-care whatever the case. Because I don’t want to preach or sound preachy, the very thought of that makes my skin crawl and my stomach turn.

I don’t want that. I just want to write. Just fucking write about the little bits of life that elude or escape most of us on a daily basis. But now I am sober. I am fucking sober and I want – no, I need – I need to sit with this reality for a minute. Let it really sink in. I have gone through so much to get to twenty-six days which probably sounds quite extremely melodramatic, right, and the hilarious thing is that I get that. I get how if I were reading some shit like this from a blogger I trusted to never be . . . I don’t even know.

I do not know yet why this feels so jarring, so ‘off’ and yet also so beautiful and true and healing and mind expanding, soul expanding. It is all-consuming these days I guess is the thing. When you have an addiction, when you are in it, you can’t see it from the outside the way you think you can. Your perspective is warped and you tell yourself things that are lies and even though part of you knows they are lies there is another part of you fully convinced they are the truth. You will rail against reality tooth and nail.

You don’t have a problem. Ok you have a little problem but it’s not as bad as so and so other person’s problem. Ok so maybe it’s a big problem but not every day, like not all the damn time, so don’t be overly dramatic. Keep it together, you know what I mean, you can hang you just have to be stronger, stay more vigilant, etc. etc.

But then enough scary shit takes place at your own trembling unsure hands and then somehow stars align and this and that fall into place and you start to wake up a little bit. And you don’t think you could ever possibly make it through one single day without your precious fix. You are one hundred percent certain one day will kill you dead. But somehow it doesn’t. And then neither does the second day or the day after that and then you turn around a month later and realize you have effectively blown up your entire life and everything in your little world you thought you understood or had a handle on. Nothing feels the same. And it is frightening and astonishing and very, very surreal. But the trouble is – you like it. You very much like yourself in ways you never thought you could or ever would.

It is fucking insane how we can make decisions that literally bring us back into closer communion with our deepest selves (Jesus Christ, I just said communion someone please send help) and at the same time we worry that making such monumental decisions will cause people to judge us or worst case, to abandon us altogether. The worst of it, tho, thinking about it now out loud, is the fear that somehow my edge was in – not the bottle – but in whatever it is about me that caused my addiction. Who am I if I am not so anxious. So cynical. So adorably broken. So fixated. So obsessed. What if what fucked me up also made me magic. How fucked up is that.

I’m fairly certain I will regret having said all of this out loud and posting it in the wilderness of a public domain. The trouble is I can’t seem to not say it. It’s like I am in this new wobbly place where I can’t keep things inside that are bursting because if I do they will eat me alive. But maybe, quite possibly, holding back is not the way to go. Maybe if you just go on ahead and pour the poison down the drain that is your former life, you lift your tiny head up to the wide, wide sky.

57 Replies to “Fairly Certain I’ll Regret This (audio)”

  3. First I just want to say: “❤️❤️❤️!” Second: “Go, wonderwoman Allison, go!” Third: “Never apologize for getting better! Fuck those that object in any way. They simply suck dinosaur balls!” Fourth: “I am at work so… To be continued!” ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

  4. Allison—
    For whatever my little opinion may be worth, I’ve read everything you’ve posted for several months and some of your catalogue. I’m hearing the same voice that is so compelling in your writing of the last 26 days as before. You haven’t lost it!🙂 You give me and I expect all your fans a lot to think about and a beautiful picture of the experience of AMC. I look forward to as much and whatever you feel like giving the world. Peace
    —SSW

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply

    1. Well now you have made me cry actual tears, SSW you gorgeous human. This comment means more than you could possibly imagine and I thank you with my whole soul. I have this monsterish feeling that I am unrecognizable to myself and therefore others. You. My beloved writer comrades. Your words here soothe something in me I have yet to understand. I’m so damn grateful. 🤍🤍🤍

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      1. Well … didn’t mean to turn your eyes red🥲 … just grateful to hear your voice every whipstitch! Courageous and … probably above all … self-aware.

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply

  6. Feeling so proud of you I could just freaking burst. What you’re accomplishing is enormous. Thank you so much for sharing this. It’s scary being open and sharing things like this. In a void open to stranger judgment. But that’s part of your edge love – that you beautifully tell your truth and don’t shy away from it. Thank you so much for being here. ❤️

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply

    1. Oh my beautiful love…. This from you, these beautiful thoughtful incredible words, I don’t even have any sense of how to respond with enough gratitude, with enough heart. I never thought about my edge that way… 🥺 You are an angel. I adore you. Thank you for being here with me in more deep ways than most people ever are “in person.” 🤍🤍🤍

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

          1. Huff thank you love! There’s been some weirdness with WordPress not listing the right site with my name, which might be why I read as spam. 😩 but I think I just fixed it? I don’t know. I blame Mercury retrograde.

            Liked by 1 person

            Reply

  7. Keep Going. It’s all we can say. Say what you say. I do not want to tell you anything. I can’t. We are in this alone. “We’re here to fart around.” Vonnegut. Who knows? It’s good to read prose. You do what you do. Maybe we’ll read, maybe we won’t. Perhaps it will help: others, self. Maybe it will hurt (some) the same. Time might just say…if we’re around to experience it.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

  9. Honestly, reading this I’m just feeling like, so proud of you.
    Love the way you aired out everything you’re feeling here.
    For what it’s worth, the monumental decision you made is awesome. Screw that evil worry about what people think, say or judge.
    Addiction’s not a funny thing, and getting over it, damn that can be so hard.
    26 days is great, wishing you healthy recovery.❤️❤️❤️🥺

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    1. I can’t even begin to tell you how much your incredibly beautiful words and presence here mean to me, dear Joanne. That you would take the time and care to listen and reach out… that’s just everything. Thank you for warming my heart so very much. 🤍🤍🤍

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  14. ‘Who am I if I am not so anxious. So cynical. So adorably broken. So fixated. So obsessed. What if what fucked me up also made me magic’
    I 💯 relate to this… but finding the magic that lies on this other side has been one of the greatest adventure so far. Like a caged bird finally released and learning fly… Keep going, its worth it❤❤

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply

  19. Wow, good for you! Pouring that poison down the drain opens all kinds of space for YOU, wobbly or not. Your telling the truth here is so refreshing. Way to go and keep going! You’re stronger than you know.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  20. It’s my first time here and I must say it’s nice that you have the courage to share your issues. You don’t have to care if people think otherwise. Just be you. Lots of love 😘.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

Gravatar
WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Cancel

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: