Posted on by Allison Marie Conway

It’ll Blow Your Mind (audio)

I don’t know you and you don’t know me but sometimes I wish that were different. Sometimes I wish I knew what you were thinking. What the air feels like up there with all that perspective on the bigger things, the wider world we hold inside. When shit gets too loud do you get so quiet you could hear a pin drop in an empty room across town? I don’t know why but when I look into your water sky eyes and listen to you say the words I have been dying to say for half my half-lived life, I feel like maybe you do. Maybe in the strength that is you there is a way out of the trembling bits that are me.

It’s the beginning of any given Monday in a city with no claim to anything famous or even noteworthy, really. It’s too dark to tell you how I actually feel because you are so lovely it ruins everything inside my otherwise laser-focused mind. When the sun rises I guess we will know better but right now before the curtain comes up I don’t know what I don’t know and that frightens and excites me in equal parts.

It has been so long since I felt this way. Maybe I never have. Full of a fuck ton of energy I don’t know what on earth to do with. Do people get to live like this? With possession of all of themselves all the time? From sun up to sun down and all inbetween? Can you tell me what friendship actually means? Self care? Because I am not sure what I have been doing but maybe you could call it avoidance. Maybe you could say I’ve checked out in circumstances where I couldn’t bear to handle whatever shit I was actually in. Or thought I couldn’t bear it. That’s the thing about clarity I guess. you know what I mean, the things you thought would crush you suddenly aren’t so big a deal. But other things – the most beautiful, kind, soft, miraculous things – come out of nowhere and you cannot stop the way they suck you in.

19 Replies to “It’ll Blow Your Mind (audio)”

  3. Clarity. It’s interesting to hear you talk about the past and the lack of clarity in it. As always you so beautifully erase the line between your reality and the reality in your writing. Perhaps that is why I always felt that your pen (or keyboard or chalk or whatever you fancy in the moment when you spill words on the page), that is guided by your hand that is guided by your mind and ultimately by your soul (whatever the soul is perhaps a discussion for some other time), is borderline magical for it creates sentences, stories, experiences that not only captivate but also shine a light on parts of self that was misunderstood, neglected, ignored, or flat out avoided, and in many ways make sense out of parts of life that feel too heavy to handle. At the same time it’s truly heartwarming to read that you are right now experiencing the same kind of clarity that otherwise your writing evokes in the reader. It’s groovy, gnarly, surreal, yet also so amazingly real. Lastly, you and the new energy booming within you – I can’t wait to see, hear, and experience the journeys your beautiful mind will take us on next! ❤️❤️❤️

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    1. Thank you for such a heartfelt, thoughtful, and insightful observation of my work. It means worlds to me that you take the time and care to listen, dear Danijel. I am learning so much about what cognitive dissonance truly is. How it splits me against myself. It is… a lot to process, to unpack. To be gentle with myself about for the first time maybe … ever. 🤍🤍🤍

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