Now You See It (audio)

She never shows her face. I can’t help what happens next – I get jealous. I mean I wonder why, of course, why she never makes an actual appearance. Is she afraid to be seen or is it about freedom. From judgement by this cruel world. Is it that if we could go out there faceless, bodyless, we could bear to spill our secrets in a way which also allows us to leave them behind. The sweet benevolence of detachment. You can say anything and nobody can pin it to your flesh. It isn’t nailed to your bone.. If my body is withheld from your view, from your touch, from your gaze, you perhaps imagine it more beautiful than it could ever be. And in the anonymity, I have you clutched in my false hands. I can say a word and wrap my mouth around all the fears you swallow about your own inadequacies. Your own prayers and needs become mine as you desire not to see my eyes but in them the reflection of your own. Making me pretty makes you pretty. Making me the devil makes you hell. I have been wanted, desired, fantasized about. Jerked off to. Didn’t think I’d say that did you. Didn’t think a lot about me as you sit calculating. Flush with empty power. Twisted inside a fantasy web or your own prismatic design. You will never see her face, I bet. I bet she keeps it hidden for all eternity and thus will remain flawless, unchanged, untainted, no matter how much time passes by. No matter the weather. I wonder if she is hiding or if it is part of a truer kind of revelation. I admire her commitment. But first. First I’m jealous.

25 Replies to “Now You See It (audio)”

    1. I can totally understand that. Ego is so damn trippy. I suppose only the individual really knows their own motivations, desires, needs, reasons. Anonymity has always fascinated me. It is funny how humans are. I did the anonymous thing years ago and eventually felt drawn instead to reveal myself (whatever that means). I got to a point where I felt I wanted to own what I was saying in a more forward way. I thought it would make me feel more “whole” which is another topic I guess. And I’ve also felt the reverse. It’s a wild question/exploration/seduction too, right, when it involves art, writing, creativity… how does knowing (or not knowing) the artist affect the art and how much does what you think you know about them (but really don’t) get in the way of truly experiencing the creation. Heavens, please forgive me for such a long response. ❤

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      1. Love a long reply so so much!! Ugh yes there’s such a big appeal to wanting to fully own the thing too. It’s probably really healthy that you ultimately owned your whole writing self, shadows and all. Maybe the writing in the shadows is helpful for an incubation phase, if that makes sense. You write in the dark of a pen name until you get a strong enough sense of what your voice sounds like, and you can maintain the integrity of what you want no matter who sees it. Or something like that. Oh the twisty turny creative seduction exploration dance.

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        1. What an absolutely fascinating soul you are.. thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts on this. “You can maintain the integrity of what you want no matter who sees it” Fuck, yes. You bring up so many things here that I could riff about but something in what you said made me think about what healthy means for different reasons for different people. In my case in the early days you are spot on – I had no idea what I was doing on the interwebs as a blogger or what I wanted my voice to be or to mean, I was playing around. When I felt my voice sort of align with my truth (at the time) I then wanted to own that fully. But for some other people there could be safety reasons. Or secret cloaked deceptive reasons. Or freedom or fun or exploratory reasons. I guess all of it – anonymous or not – is about getting to know parts of yourself, some you feel safe exposing to all, some you don’t. And only you know for sure what you think you need to do to get there… ❤

          Liked by 1 person

          1. That’s so true and beautifully said as always. 🙂 🙂 On a much more base level, anonymity also lets me process whatever past or present sexploits are on my mind. Gives them air so I don’t feel like a freak or a slut or a weirdo. Or maybe I gain power by giving those parts of myself light/acceptance. Or something. 😊

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            1. This is so interesting to me. It makes so much sense and what’s wild is I wasn’t even thinking of you as being anonymous out here in the writer wilds. I guess because your beautiful image appears in your avatar so it feels somewhat not-anonymous but now I see exactly what you mean. Which makes me think that anonymity isn’t all or nothing or binary. There are layers to it in everything we do. There are always things revealed and things withheld … and just as you say, some of it is self protection which is required for self revelation sometimes. God you are so lovely. 🤍🕊✨

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              1. Ha yes, adding my photo has been a newer thing 😂 skirting that line between anonymous and open. I actually wondered if people would even notice if I did something small like that. Just something to play with. 🙂 ugh you’re so lovely too!!

                Liked by 1 person

                1. As I read your words here I had this thought … anonymity is like flirting with ourselves. Like a tempt to reveal. Self stimulation, excitement, intimacy. But I’m a freak and I don’t know why I’m like this. 🕊🕊 I hope you have a magic wknd. ✨🌙✨

                  Liked by 1 person

        1. I have it, love! I had to approve it. I hate having to moderate comments but you’d be surprised the random trash people think they can say to me and get away with it. Sometimes I’m so tempted to let those comments come through just so I can reply “Bitch, please.” for all to see but not sure that’s part of my aesthetic. lol. x

          Liked by 1 person

        2. Wow, you won’t believe this but almost as if the universe wanted to prove my point, I just now had to trash a comment which referred to anonymous writers as “wastes of human flesh.” Tf is wrong with people. WP is usually such a lovely place. 😇

          Liked by 1 person

  1. 👌👌👌✒💝😘 The first thing that happens when a person is looking for himself is that he gets lost. And for a long time. Until he gets rid of the wrong ego. When one looks at the angel, one sees the devil. Looking at the devil, he finds a broken man. He looks at the broken man and sees himself.

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  2. Hello dear Allison. A poem for you.
    “I saw your bare skin; I you smile once. I asked you. Please show me, who you are. Allow me to see the rawness hiding behind those cat eyes. You brought me close, and you whispered. You don’t want to open the Pandora box, honey. Better to hide the demons. Sometimes our real face ain’t so pretty. If I show you my real face. Would you show me your real face dark poet?”

    Liked by 2 people

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