Here in this upstairs bedroom I sit with hallowed silence. It fills me in ways nothing else can to read for you. You stranger, you wide open terrified world. I’m sorry for the crackling of the heater, I’m sure you can hear it. I apologize. I hope you can forgive it and stay with me a little while longer. I am sorry for the way I do not fix anything or maybe even make it worse.
The faded embers of the day sift solemnly down through the dim quiet light. It has been a week swollen with trembling. There were many moments when I was alone and suddenly my eyes were a well of tears, puddles of saturated melancholy. Not regret but loss unspeakable. So much has been falling away. So much has threatened never to return. Not sadness but a wealth of longing which engulfed me like the cries of need as though need were a small open-mouthed desperate thing. A feathered, small-beaked creature which lives inside of me and wants to tug and pull but never climb out. The milk of the womb has but run dry.
I am a tomb of grief and desire all tangled up together. If you knew how to unbraid this knot I have become I am not sure I would let you do it. There are too many secrets threaded in me now to ever collapse into your breathing the way once I might have. Under your gaze my body rises and falls. In the white washed sky, the webs of trees reach naked for a touch of the skin of celestial clarity. I speak your words aloud to collect them with my tongue. I pray to no god and drink you like wine as the sun continues to fall behind the empty houses which line the empty street.
I read once that those who love the trees most in winter, in their wetted metal uncloaked form, are the purest souls of all. How it tears the skin from the bone just to observe them standing stoic and strong, from thick heavy trunk to threadbare tendrils wild in all directions. The aching will not cease because it cannot. To move forward in blindness is all it has ever known.
Please may I offer this heartfelt thank you to anyone who listens to my audio readings. I don’t know if you can possibly imagine how much you are saving my soul.