Posted on by Allison Marie Conway

What They Never Tell You (audio)

Staring out across the frozen landscape, I can feel the snow in my bones and the kind of ache which can only be caused by the cold. My lips tingle against the frigid air as they close around my cigarette and I think about how he likes it when I kiss him with my tongue. I could take it or leave it but it makes me melt when he moans and so you give what you have and take the rest with you, hoping the memories of it later will curl around you for comfort in your loneliest hour.

What time does to you there is no way to predict. I watch the young attempt to sell themselves and I remember being young once but completely unaware of what it cost me to sell myself the same way. It’s tough to find yourself when your self is a commodity. What’s being in love when you could be devastated. What’s commitment when you could get high and soar like a soft-winged bird away on a perfect smooth wind, up and up into the atmosphere where nothing can hurt you, nothing can cause you any pain.

Blowing smoke into the center of the blind white sun, I feel the weight of the many losses I have known since I was a kid. I feel the ghost of you tight around me like gray invisible silence. The kind which seeps inside like fingers reaching right through the void, curling around the cage in my chest. Pulling my heart open as if the way I once loved you could make the spring surface months before it’s due.

But time is bitter on my tongue this afternoon. I can’t get high the way I used to, I can’t get myself low enough either. What they never tell you is there’ll be a lump in your throat for years and years. What they cannot seem to understand is the way your stomach sours and never heals. That the evening light will burn slow inside of you. It will not settle into night; it will not blossom into dawn. Evening like longing becomes a warmth and a chill that never seems to let you go.

31 Replies to “What They Never Tell You (audio)”

  3. 👌👌👌✒💝 Yes, infatuation is a self-destructive moment in a time of love, when the end in hope is always and only wonderful.Time will tell how much we lost during this time. Happy are those who keep at least one shard of love. I wish You a beautiful and happy day dear Allison.💖🌹🌞

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  5. Time is bitter on my tongue… This sentence is both captivating and triggering for it captures something beyond complex and describes it both simple and brutal way. Once the bitterness of the time submerges into the tongue it unleashed potent fury. In my case a lot of times words that are very peculiar and incredibly toxic…
    As always you create a tornado with your words. Thoughts tearing within me, absorbing, reacting, responding… Much love. Always. ❤️❤️❤️

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    1. How beautiful and uncanny that you should highlight that line in particular, for it was a deeply meaningful one for me to share. Thank you so very much for that. ❤️ Thank you too for spending time with my words and letting them inside. It means the world to me that it serves you. Much love, dear Danijel. ❤️🌹❤️🕊🕊

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      1. While there’s rarely a word or a sentence that you write that holds no or little power, “Time is bitter on my tongue…” stands out among the giants for it carries so many meanings and realities that we encounter as we try to navigate through life. Perhaps it carries an extra potency for me due to the fact that I am my 46th is but a week away. Sure, age is just a number, however, as that number creeps up a plethora of aches and pains throughout the body ambitiously start popping up with no intention of leaving. Of course regret makes more and more appearances. In fact I am pretty sure any day now it will start demanding its permanent parking space any day now.
        Seriously though, it is potent because no matter how had we try – time can not be stopped and neither can be an occasional bitterness spell. But hey! We are so not done! Not even close!!!
        Thank you for sharing your mind and talent. It truly captivates and a lot of times reinvigorates… ❤️❤️❤️

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        1. My dearest Danijel, please may I wish you an early Happy 46th Birthday. ✨🤍✨
          As we are so close in age and perspective and soul-worn yet tragically, sweetly hopeful stirrings, I’m so grateful for all you share with me. You elevate the reading of my works to nothing shy of a delicacy and there aren’t words enough to thank you for how precious that is to me.
          If I had the words I promise I would give them to you. 🌹🙏🏻🌹 Here’s to the next, and the next, come what may. ❤️❤️💗

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          1. Dearest Allison, thank you for the deepest, warmest corners of my heart for your wondrous words and wishes. It is and always will be a privilege and an absolute delight to read and hear your captivating words for they have a way to enchant and comfort the heart, the soul, and the restless mind. Your talent and your mind are a treasure and I am forever grateful that you are sharing them with the Universe. ❤️❤️❤️
            Also, aren’t we December people fucking awesome beyond? Next level awesome beyond that is! ❤️

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    1. Oh Jay, I cannot thank you enough for listening and for your truly most generous and beautiful comment. Maybe if we get lucky, and trust the words enough, they will lift us off the ground for a few magic moments. I thank you ever so much for this most encouraging thought. 🌹🕊🕊

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