If I have the chance to choose my cake and eat it too, I always choose vanilla cake with vanilla frosting and rainbow sprinkles. And a lot of frosting, by the way, if this matters at all which is to say not really, no, it doesn’t in the grand scheme of things. But on this roller coaster ride of a life there are good days and there are bad days and the bad ones can sometimes feel so heavy they threaten to sink you all the way down to the bottom of the oceanic pain inside which you were never quite able to get a handle on long enough to fix or at least lessen to a manageable degree.
It is possible, I like to imagine in my little rosy heart of hearts, that I don’t need to be fixed as much as I just need to be loved and that this is the truest truth about each and every last one of us. Love is perhaps a lofty and ridiculous thing to wish for on one’s birthday but maybe I do wish it anyway. Because I wish I could once and for all understand it on its own terms. Not by tying it to this person or that person or a particular experience or pinning it down definitively as some single-handed savior of the human spirit, but by looking it dead in the face and calling it out.
When you are a kid you just believe. In Santa and the Tooth Fairy and wishes on stars and that you can be anything you want to be when you grow up. You believe, wide-eyed and unquestioning, in magic and serendipity and all that candy-coated romantic poison. But even still, if I recall, it feels quite lovely to believe in something. Believe in it the way I used to before this world fell apart around me over and over again.
Maybe love is drama and love is peace all in the same wild mysterious pulse. Whatever the case, it has got to be so much more brilliant and absurd than anyone has yet given it credit for. So here’s to love and madness which for all we know could be the exact same thing. And overly-frosted vanilla cake and sparkling bottles of pink champagne and poetry so gorgeous it makes you cry beautiful mascara-black tears. I mean, after all, you only get the one day.
Photo: self portrait which I am obviously clueless about how to crop properly