Dried brown leaves chase each other in circles along the sides of the street, you can hear them scratch the pavement as they scuttle. As I watch the peach clouds move in and the white hot sun climb higher and higher in the pale blue sky, I am filled with a familiar feeling of dangling on the edge of dread and/or excitement. Dread because I have a toothache and I just know fixing it is gonna be bad news for all of us involved. Excitement for no good reason but all I can tell you is anxiety manifests itself in strange ways. Sometimes it feels like anticipation and though you aren’t sure if that is good or bad, it doesn’t much matter because your mind is off deciding things on its own again while your body is left behind with the caffeinated jitters.
Checking media is not helpful except in the sense that feeding off of the addiction to infotainment allows you to blend in with the rest of the adorable fools around you which, admittedly, is sometimes a welcome escape from being swallowed whole by the gaping void of your own inner existence, mangled and marred as it is by years spent overthinking every last goddamn detail of every last goddamn thing.
The world has become entirely impossible, one crisis after another and to be honest I’m simply exhausted at the thought of another day spent beating back against what hurts. I thought about dying my hair even though everybody tells me not to, just because I can and it’s more fun and less unsettling than clawing one’s own eyes out, no? As I envision it, it would come out a beautiful rosegold-blonde color. It would shimmer and shine in the autumn moonlight as a forest fairy’s would as she flits and flutters all about the moss-covered forest floor and it would get him off when I go down on him because it’d be like fucking a new girl or cheating on the one he’s got. Go ahead and judge, but a thrill’s a thrill and you take what you can get your hands on these days.
But you see, people do not understand. The more they tell you not to make a move, the more making a move consumes your every thought. The harder they warn you about the dangers of yourself, the harder you lean into the danger and defend it with everything you have. It’s really not complicated, but when was the last time you let a simple thing come easy?