Bored to near tears, I take myself for a walk outside the office underneath the wide open sky. Heavy dark clouds hang low over the soccer fields making the perfectly cut green grass appear a kind of back-lit electric yellow. There is a flashing pulse in the air which reminds me I am still alive and I’m glad for it because nothing much else courses through me all day aside from stale coffee and the low hum of whatever kind of sickening atmosphere happens between drab gray carpeting and drab gray walls.
They want us all to get the shots if we haven’t already which makes perfect sense to most of us and infuriates the rest. They write letters and sign them and send them off to anybody who will listen. It’s not going to end well and if you think we are anywhere near the end you are dead wrong or possibly right on the money, anybody’s guess.
As for me, I let my mind wander off into a fantasy of leaving this place for good or even just for a little while. Walking with you and talking about all the hard shit nobody else dares to explore. It is entirely possible I am too judgemental. But to be honest the world we live in now is such a mess I am not even sure where to begin the day or end the night anymore. I love the darkness round the clock and used to know when to run my mouth and when to keep quiet.
But everything lately feels up for grabs. Sanity, creativity, sensuality, morbidity.
They want you to want to be a leader. Fix something, save something, create something out of nothing but only if it’ll get you fast cash or social media status. There is a callousness all around that would scare the living shit out of me if I let myself feel it. But mostly I just clench my jaw, dig my fingernails into my skin, and watch the sky to try to understand what it means to have an honest reaction to the patterns of troubled weather inside me.