I place my hands around the thickest part of my obsession and wrangle it back into submission. I can be fickle, but once I decide it’s time, it’s all over. My strength is my softness. That’s how I manage to surprise. There are demons inside of me, some of them so fully, swellingly sweet. I used to try to stab them clear through the heart but now I know better. They have a hole where the heart should be. So instead I kiss them. Hard. Wet. Until they all but melt and disappear.
You think I am cruel. You think I am fake. You think I am all the hateful things you ever imagined come to life. You think I am beautiful but I told you you don’t know a damn thing until I tell it to you straight. And good luck getting that to happen any time soon. If you thought it would be easy. If you thought it would be simple. If you thought this life or this love or this lust would sail you right off into the sunset you should reach inside that mind of yours and reevaluate the way you see the things you think you see.
As the rain begins to fall, I slide my hood over my head and wish I had a cigarette. I have these licorice sticks now that I chew on and roll between my fingers for some kind of sick stupid comfort. We have such strange solutions to the ache of loneliness because we do not recognize the way it truly feels to be alone. I don’t know why I fixate on the things I do. I don’t know why I’m not better at any of this stuff. I know writers are entirely self-possessed but even so I think I’ve got it more wrong than all the rest.
The things other people want do not interest me or at least not enough to think about much. Small droplets of water plunk down in the puddles which are beginning to form in the hollow middles of the sidewalk. One by little one, they slam together and fill all the emptiness they can find. I think of the way so many strangers have tried to fill my empty places, or even more incredibly, tried to mold them into something better. Imagine that. As if they were magicians, as if they were gods. Grasping onto all the things your lover cannot give to you and holding on to nothing for dear life.