Posted on by Allison Marie Conway

Splinter In Your Eye (audio)

Reading his words, my skin feels tender to the touch. I want to be inside the mouth of his mind. I want to know how this all works, where it comes from and if I can go there, too. But he is his own and I am my own and one is not meant to be the other. If it were meant to be so, it would be. I close the pages, tuck them into my messenger bag and squint against the brightness of the sun.

I take the cigarette and drape it onto my lips. I light it and hate myself a little bit as is obligatory and suck in the warmth of this finely rolled trash. I feel smoothly euphoric for the first time in a long, long while. Things are blurry back at home the way it can get on a cold hard day in the bleak-soaked heart of December. Gloom hangs heavy, gray, and low. The bones in your jaw pierce like ice into the rest of your skull.

When you think about it, what we crave most is the end. We want to know where all this is heading and we want to know before anyone else so we can be prepared for come what may. This will never happen, of course, because there is no way to know the end before you live the impossible middle over and over again until you learn some kind of lesson or run away from learning lessons altogether so you can finally feel any single simple shred of any kind of freedom whatsoever.

Freedom is ascension. Ascension is the distance between your body and your mind, your head and your dreams. The hurt he twisted inside of you and the blood drying on the words in your veins. Soul as rose, body as thorn.

In the mornings, we try sex in different positions. Some angles feel better than others. None of them are poetry. When we fight it goes off the rails and never quite gets back on track. We are not exactly sure if we have forgiven each other our various sins or just exhausted ourselves trying. There was a time when I thought I should try to save the world until it dawned on me that the world wasn’t interested.

I spit out an ashy tasting glob of smoke and self-loathing, crush the butt into the pavement underneath my sneaker. For a wicked hot day in the dead heat of summer, my insides feel as though they are frozen snow covered hills, blinding and blinded, rolling out for miles and miles ahead.

31 Replies to “Splinter In Your Eye (audio)”

  3. I love this! And I love your voice!!! I usually don’t listen to the audio but this time I did, it’s amazing.😍
    I love this write up. It’s beautiful, especially the part about how we’re all looking for the end but there’s always the middle to go through. I feel that.
    Amazing post.💙💙

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Dear Joanne, you make my whole heart smile! I love that you listened for the first time… thank you so very much for taking a chance on me, I know it’s a bit different to allow someone else’s voice into your head. I cherish your graciousness. 🙏🏻🌹 And I’m deeply grateful you were moved by the writing, that you felt it …. that’s everything to me. Thank you ever so much. ♥️🌹🕊

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  4. Allison, I admire your courage to look and to share so deeply, with a quiet and ever-passionate heart… you’re one of my favorite morning reads

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

Gravatar
WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Cancel

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: