Posted on by Allison Marie Conway

The Trouble You Keep

The trouble is that writers always think the answer to everything is in the words. It’s been a whole day and I have produced nothing at all. Not a single word worth saving or repeating. My head is creaky and my mind is entirely exhausted.

I gaze out the window into the summer evening, tiny bits of dust linger suspended and then sift along on the sheer breeze. For some reason the light does not bother me today. It is soft and kind where usually it makes me cringe a little bit. The deep green leaves on my many potted plants are turning toward the sloping sun.

Pouring my wine and swallowing it down like rain water in a dying place, I think about the calmness we each exhibit as the world around us rages and burns. Humans possess an uncanny ability, it’s terribly eerie really, to deny themselves to themselves. We monetize it, strategize it, optimize it. You flick through some social media bullshit. Advertisements. Boats for men and bodies for women. Flashes of a kind of alternate life which doesn’t exist except for in your head. Your head like a screen. Your limp limbs like poetic tragedy. Movies and distractions, sex toys and ‘self care’ as if we knew the self or remembered how to care. Glossy lips the size of grapefruits.

All the while underneath, you can feel the darkness sliding in your veins. Everything is on the brink. Life in all of its various junked-up forms, huddled on the edge of collapse. They say sleep disorders are on the rise. I read about the garden variety traumas. I read about the interworkings of the modern mind. We are research. We are blue clinical and we are aquamarine sterilization. Dressed and pressed and injected against the latest disease.

Another glass of wine and dinner facing the back yard alone. Chain link fenced in quiet dramatization. The trouble about the body is it will betray you when you least expect it. You were supposed to remain cool. You were supposed to extend your gratitude. You were supposed to stay patient and you were supposed to hurry up. But it’s all spinning so far away from you now.

Swallow your food, swallow it all the way down. Kill the bottle and swirl your dumb panic around and around. Gaze across the distance until another day turns from pale to crimson. Do what they tell you not to do but do it in secret. Just don’t let them see the way the invisible crush takes you out.

34 Replies to “The Trouble You Keep”

  3. i love this – “We are research. We are blue clinical and we are aquamarine sterilization. Dressed and pressed and injected against the latest disease.” great writing, Allison. I always feel as though I’m sitting there with you in your back yard, you are so great at capturing your inner and outer world.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  4. Good Lord, I LIVE for writing like this. Though the theme is existential and heavy, there’s such delicious, rich darkness in your delivery, making it both relatable and simultaneously like something from a movie scene. I wish everyone reads this.
    I should stop before I get annoying. Congratulations, Allison!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    1. Oh my goodness your comment has melted my whole heart! You are in no way annoying, you made me smile. I’m so very grateful to you, Isha, that you enjoyed this means worlds. Thank you so much for taking the time. ♥️♥️🌹🙏🏻

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

  5. The struggle is real and very much felt. Keeping the light shining for the world to see and at the same time taming the darkness that seamlessly rolls within each crack and splint, filling the inside, awaiting patiently those few moments we let it out to roam free as the queen of the wilderness that she is. We rarely do it in public for she may be too much for the masses to handle which means a possible involuntary journey to an asylum for what society has conveniently labeled insane. Instead we infuse ourselves with oh so incredibly delicious spirits and elixirs that put us in a state of intoxication that for some reason is acceptable for the same society that condemns us when we free the queen of wilderness that dwells inside. I do wonder though how many of us actually “hide” her inside and if the number is actually much higher than we might think. In fact we just might be a silent majority… Either way, another jaw-dropping masterpiece that provokes the mind and challenges the soul, wondrous Allison. Bowing deeply to you and your brilliance. Perpetually. ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    1. Oh my dear Danijel, as ever your comments intrigue and stir me inside. All that you say resonates with my wild spirit. I know you understand, I know you feel it. I can tell. And you are right … maybe we little monsters find each other, and we are more than we know. Always a joy to hear my writing awakens you into those mysterious depths. You are a gem. Thank you endlessly for being so generous. ♥️♥️♥️💀🌹🕊

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

      1. The feeling is mutual. I am eternally grateful to be able to witness your brilliance that so marvelously manifests itself in your writing. Furthermore it’s not just that your pieces satisfy the mind and the soul, your wordsmithery also inspires to strive for more all across life. ♥️♥️♥️

        Liked by 2 people

        Reply

  11. One’s inner turmoil can feel crushing at times… yet a casual look around seems to make everything worse… because everything, and everyone else other than you, seems to running like a well oiled machine… damn…!! Maybe the only remedy is to lie down on your back, close your eyes, and make the longest, deepest sigh possible… if you’re lucky, you’ll fall asleep… maybe even wake up with a mild headache… yet feel a little better… able to take on yet again the weight of another day…
    🇯🇲🏖️

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

Gravatar
WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Cancel

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: