Bet Against You

If you could only find a way in, you could turn your life around. Find the words you have needed to say for centuries. They’d just be hanging there from the lush summer trees like ripened fruit.

But to find a way in you’d have to be able to bear to look at your life straight on. This is excruciatingly hard to do because of all the lies you’ve told yourself over and over about movement, freedom, power, and how death will never come for you. But you want it. You want clarity so badly. Cognitive dissonance. You seek it and kill it off simultaneously. Mother and maiden and murderer.

The sweet liquid honey of tempting fate just to feel your body melt until it disappears.

I pull a white stone plate from the cabinet and set out my meal. I eat in small portions. I am thinking about ways to run. I am happier than I deserve. This part cuts closest to the bone. Happiness is a knife. Trust no one who seeks it out on purpose.

The brutality of light. This is written on a thin slip of paper which is tucked under my sleeve in a dream. Poets in their dark studies all across the land. Poets as pools of midnight star stuff, floating like dead fish. Eyeless, tongueless, shapeless, helpless. What on earth do we think we know so well we should write about it.

I am starting to notice patterns in the jacked nature of human interactions. No, that’s not quite right. I have always noticed them I just couldn’t piece it together in a way I could articulate. Shy kids in corners. The heated rage of rejection. Silent humiliation. The patterns of destruction and chaos which are woven into the words we speak, our communications and how hilariously stunted they are.

People open their mouths and now we can see all of that. Now we have to see the lips and teeth moving and watch as the mania shrieks out in bursts of static.

I speak with the harried waiter. He is young, jittery, impatient. The sun is hot upon our faces as thick globs of water slide down the outside of my glass. All of the candied colors of summer inverted and splotching down onto the pavement. Is this where we run to to get relief from a kind of pain which sizzles underneath everything. Strangers everywhere. Afternoon martinis. Cigar shops. Lingerie boutiques for the rich and sexless. Fancy young women with their small dogs and their meaty boyfriends.

Behind the door into our fraught little delicate lives is a kind of intimidation which lies in wait. False moves and false starts. Tension wires. A bird in a cage on a leash. What you wouldn’t give to make a couple of fine life-shattering mistakes.

6 Replies to “Bet Against You”

  1. “I am happier than I deserve. This part cuts closest to the bone. Happiness is a knife. Trust no one who seeks it out on purpose. ”
    This hit so close to home that for a moment I thought it will shatter into millions of pieces and then ground into dust that will slowly be blown into oblivion. This just may be one of your most brutal pieces I’ve read. It may sound weird but it shook me. I am trembling still even though I read it a couple hours ago. When I first read it I actually resorted to my go to “cure” for situations when my comfort zone is demolished into none left – I simply ran away… In a way I am still in flight mode, however, I wanted to at least come here and say that this, this writing here is why I people should read! For real. And I know my poorly drawn and stitched words are not even close to doing justice to your piece, yet it is not only the best I can do but also meant as a way to say thank you. You truly are one of the giants… ♥️♥️♥️

    Liked by 3 people

    1. It does not sound weird to me at all, dear Danijel, and I am so humbled and grateful you shared your honest response with me. I am beyond touched that this affected you in such a way as to rock your core. Truly, I wrote it from the depths of where I actually am, which is sometimes brutal for reasons I am still yet to understand. That you would recognize that, see my insides and stay, well… I can’t thank you enough in words. So much love and respect to you, sweet friend. ❤ xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You have an amazing gift that shines through in your writing. Your ability to so beautifully describe what I’m sure quite a few fellow humans feel yet can never express in a way that is wholesome and complete. Your talent, your gift, your mind – all do it with such an apparent ease that it simply takes one’s breath away. Thank you so much for sharing yourself, your thought, your mind, and your heart, in a way that connects and heals. Much love to you as well. Today. Always. X ❤️ X

        Liked by 1 person

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