Posted on by Allison Marie Conway

Alone In Here Anyway

What would you say is the worst of it?

The way I laugh when you mention the sins of my past or my insatiable passion for the things you refuse to understand?

When I was young, I used to lie in bed in my thin pink nightgown, listening to the night creatures make their crickety nocturnal sounds until the last of the summer sun’s light disappeared into complete purple glittering darkness. As the sweet soft air caressed my tiny body, I imagined the angels came down and opened up my ribs like opening the golden doors of a small cage which was a house, a stained glass temple reflecting every color of the rainbow, constructed in the flesh of all creatures who fall to this earth against their will.

A fire was placed inside of me. The ivory gates were closed and locked around its precious reddened flame. And even after all these years and decades I have spent attempting to make a life I swear is mine and mine alone, that other-worldly flame sparks and courses all through my veins. I go blind in the daylight if I just close my eyes and believe. I glow like the stars all through the night when everyone else is fast asleep.

When you look at me, what is the deadness you feel and why? I can see the way your eyes shut down as mine flicker open, hungry, eager, pleading. Where has your light gone? The light which slips out the back door of your spirit. Why does it recoil?

This world can be so bitterly cold and unfeeling and what frightens me more than the bony fingers of Death itself is a life devoid of feeling, so I place my hands on your chest anyway. When you slip the straps of my dress down my shoulders, I cover your mouth with my mouth anyway. When you offer me what is left of your body and your strength, I claw my nails down your back anyway.

Perhaps what I think is love is really just a prayer tenderly, secretly spoken by the child who was an angel who never knew anything other than to place her trust in mysterious things. An attempt, doomed maybe, but true nonetheless, at soul to soul resuscitation.

Is it your fear of burning which keeps you close but not close enough to taste the risk of ruin by the viciousness of a love as thick as mine? Sometimes I forget that you can’t see the things I see. Sometimes I pretend I don’t remember. That you can’t fathom the terrible beauty of this fire coaxed to life inside of me. I guess I could say that maybe that’s the worst of it.

 

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Photo by Kristina Stepanidenko

 

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21 Replies to “Alone In Here Anyway”

  4. I find it ridiculous now to recall how, when first I began to read your writing here, I looked especially and narrowly for poetry. Pompous silly man. Your prose flows so poetically from a heart, so I imagine, that knows equal measures joy and sorrow, and in the most honest and unadorned way. So happy to read whatever you write.

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    1. What a joy it is to find you among my writings, thank you so very much for spending time with my words, dear George. I truly am grateful. What you say here touches me very much because I know you have a heightened sensibility for poetry, prose, language, not just the presentation of it but the undercurrent of it, the purity of the expression. I sometimes feel like I don’t belong in either world, the poetry, the prose, I don’t quite know what I’m to define myself as. It doesn’t matter, tho, does it? Just that your heart has been touched, and for this I am so very deeply grateful. You are not pompous or silly, tho your words have made me smile for how sweet they are. I think you are wonderful, and I am so glad you read what I write. 🙂 Indeed, both joy and sorrow run deep within me. Yearning, it always feels, to be set free.

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      1. Exactly–in the end, it does not matter. The definition, the label. I believe what matters most is the sincerity of your expression. With which you clearly do touch the hearts of others. I think perhaps that very expression–offered without presumption, without attempt to blend or fit or be suitable to this label or that–is one of the finest expressions of freedom we can attain. Whatever else may be in this life–whatever demands or expectations from others, and most certainly, whatever claim the past may have on you, Allison–your voice resonates with freedom. And I applaud you for that.

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        1. My dear George, I could not love this comment from you more. I am so grateful to you. For the way you see, the way so few take the time to see, with the heart, without judgment. You have graced me more than you can imagine, with this line in particular which I am keeping close, “…one of the finest expressions of freedom we can attain.” When I read this I literally caught my breath. I cling to the art of expression for just exactly that very thing indeed. Thank you so very much.

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          1. Oh, my dear Allison, it is my great pleasure. I am so grateful that what I say can touch you like this. Just as I am touched by how generously you perceive me. “When I read this I literally caught my breath.” Thank you. I know what you mean.

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