Posted on by Allison Marie Conway

Might Delete This Later

I used to have this professor back in college the other kids would call ‘tough but fair.’ You know the type. Stoic. Snide. Red slashes all over your precious prose jabbed with some kind of confusing comment in the margins like, “Allison, DESCRIPTION!”

I thought he was just an asshole but no one asked my thoughts nor did any of it matter when it came time for him to grade our papers so I guess it’s better left in the past. Suffice it to say that in general, a male teacher was ‘tough but fair’ and a female teacher was an ‘arrogant bitch’ but truth be told there was no difference between the two except probably in salary but don’t get me started.

Have you ever wanted to erase your past and simply start over fresh? Like an Instagram grid just delete, delete, delete. Maybe that’s why the young kids, whatever they call themselves or don’t, their posts only last a few seconds, a few days at most. It all just disappears. The ridiculous smiles, the bad, the sad, the wasted, along with the beautiful. Fading, fading, all into nothingness as though none of it is real. Or if it is, it’s only real in the moment and then it’s anybody’s guess, anybody’s game.

Fumbling in my cluttered bag for a cigarette, I accidentally set off my car alarm which startles only me because the parking lot is nearly empty and fully deserted. No one smokes anymore, not like they used to back in the day. As I watch a large dark cloud move in over the factory buildings, the cold wind picks up and shoves my long strawberry hair into my mouth.

There is always something pushing back against us even as we try our best to make our way in a world which would soon enough take us or leave us just the same.

But in the pit of my stomach, I know I still believe in something I cannot name. And even after all these years I can’t decide if that makes me silly or if that makes me strong.

 

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Photo by Mathilde Langevin

 

 

24 Replies to “Might Delete This Later”

  4. Amazing as ever dear Allison! Your works are so starkly different and honest. Teachers often judge all students according to a list of criteria but they usually do not realize that only our differences can set us apart from the crowd. Like I said, your works are amazingly original!

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  6. “There is always something pushing back against us even as we try our best to make our way in a world which would soon enough take us or leave us just the same. But in the pit of my stomach, I know I still believe in something I cannot name. And even after all these years I can’t decide if that makes me silly or if that makes me strong.”

    Indeed, Miss Allison.

    Still here, just quietly watching most times. 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

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  8. Hopefully you choose to not delete this. There’s nothing silly about this burst of consciousness that draws from what seemed like the past long forgotten yet it now rears its ugly head in a form of painful remembrance. You are quite right that when it comes to assholes the female of the species are branded as vicious bitches infinitely faster than the male counterparts. Sadly we still live in the society that most of the times doesn’t care to notice the difference. We are definitely sculpted in a major way by our past experiences. Once again sadly we forget about the hurt that the former generations have caused to us simply because they were hurt by their former generations as well. We seem to cope by simply accepting the hurt as “business as usual” and then instead of trying to change it we justified our shitty treatment of the generations that follow us the same way as we were treated. It’s fucked up. However!!! By shedding some light on it as you just did with your writing a change seems possible. I know your intention goes deeper that this yet I want to shed a light on how important your thoughts are and will continue to be. You are fucking strong. More than that actually. Your writing digs deeper than what today’s society (or any former society) is comfortable with for it exposes its flaws and rotten ways by simply talking about the raw, the dirty, and the messy bits, that are embedded in us all and that would demand a much deeper and painful introspection than most are comfortable with. Much respect and love to you. You inspire. You show the way. Thank you. Always. ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 2 people

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    2. Thank you so very much, dear Danijel. You see things others do not. I am so grateful for your kindness and generosity with your thoughts and encouragement and connection. You are a gift and a gem. My respect and love to you in return. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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