Dead Center

Flip a coin. Heads I win, tails you lose.

Or something like that.

At the center of each of my questions are even more questions which makes you crazy but secretly I hope it keeps you close. If I have more questions, how can you leave me unanswered?

Besides, I like your answers and the way you put so much thought into crafting them. You are arrogant, selfish, maddening. But there’s something about the way your voice simmers like an electric current vibrating across my chest that I crave with everything I’m made of.

It crackles and snaps me awake to a part of myself which for too long has lay lifeless at the bottom of a deep dark abyss. When I look into your beautiful eyes I can’t tell if I need you inside me or need you to walk away and never come back.

You like to start shit you don’t bother to finish. You talk a good game but when it’s time to put out you disappear like a mist that dissipates across the cool surface of a lake at dawn in the last rays of summer.

At the center of you there are no questions, only a myth. 

The illusion of permanence. The illusion of desire fulfilled. 

These things are not real. These things are not safe.

In your mind, you imagine me giving myself to you completely. You spit out the bones and drown in what delights you which is mostly the flesh. 

Only the flesh. 

People are savage inside, and dirty. Like animals. Affectionate, primal, hungry. But not as loyal. That’s the tricky part.

As you brush your hand against my hand but do not take it in yours, I catch your eye and my breath catches tight in my throat.

The dead cold dampness of the middle of the day hangs around me like a wet tee shirt, and makes me shiver from head to toe.

 

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Photo by Soroush Karimi

 
 
 

12 Replies to “Dead Center”

  1. Whoa. What a thrilling ride reading your latest marvel provides?! Starts off as the most amazing of love letters that pulls one close with its brutal honesty then suddenly flips the world you painted upside down in such a breathtaking manner. Love letter turns to your destined Romeo’s soul exposé that chillingly describes what are his both fatal flaws and mysteries that intrigue and attract. In a very beautiful way your words describe the nature of love perfectly. ❤❤❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your beautiful words about my words, Danijel. I am so very grateful they resonate with you. Sometimes I think the word love has lost a great deal of meaning. Attraction, obsession, fixation, freedom, sex, secrets, jealousy, desire, possession. There is so much more to human interactions and connections than most people admit. In your next comment, which touched me very much and I thank you so much, you mention duality. This is a concept I am obsessed with, it is the very foundation of my book Luminae. Jung described the “light of the darkness itself” or the idea of the sound of one hand clapping, or this idea that duality is an illusion. There is no separation inside the self, it is everything at once. We are dirty and clean and always sliding all around on the spectrum. I am sorry to ramble. Sometimes my thoughts trip over each other on their way coming out of me. ❤️❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I couldn’t agree more about the gradual depletion and perpetual narrowing of the word love, its meaning as well as its impact. While it is thrown around a lot it rarely is so with much of a heart behind it or even much thought given. Love very much is a lot more than fairy tale definition that I a lot of times find horrifying. We as a society managed to strip it of real substance by assigning all kinds of conditions and rules to it. Consequentially love itself lost its soul, its spice, its identity. Gone is the so called messiness and the excitement. We simply give up too easily or look for a way out at a first sign of resistance. Same applies to interactions between fellow humans. I wonder if being exposed to so much content and so many different messages from every imaginable platform has broken us. If I would have to choose one word to describe the state of humans nowadays I’d chose “anxiety.” When did we get so fucking serious about everything? Even playfulness is calculated these days. Sigh… ❤️❤️❤️

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh and fuck yes to “light of the darkness itself!” We are not just one side. We are every side that dwells within us. Each one just as important as the next one. Each one essential part of us. Each one essential for our BE. Hence: long live the dirty and clean! Love. Life. Be. ❤️❤️❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Also… Duality that reigns within your words is so fucking relatable. Why did I use the word fucking? Because I am still on the fence about duality residing within me is in any way a good thing… I mean, it does make life more interesting and intense. Yet, it also inflicts pain on those that get involved with one of the two sides of me that happens to prevail in that moment… To be honest I can’t really say which side I prefer. Undecided. Conflicted. More duality. Ironic, right? ❤

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I was conflicted about writing about duality because I didn’t want to presume what your intention or meaning of your words was. It did nevertheless light up duality that is within me. I am very much grateful that I did write it though because your response is just as beautiful and amazing as your original piece was… ” imagine meeting another soul in the place inside where we are not the side of love or the side of fear but where both sides touch each other.” What a mind blowing sentence! Simply WOW! xxx

        Liked by 1 person

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