Twitch

What she saw before is gone now, replaced by gray dishes in a gray sink beneath a gray window beneath the clouded winter sky. The kind of sight which is a presence all its own, with its own weight and skin and intention.

Steady. Slow. Melancholy.

Life is for the ignorant and death is for the curious.

She has become the circumstance and the story. Her mind floating in the middle of no beginning and an uncertain ever-ebbing end.

All day she smiles and tries to blend in. Whittle away at the space she takes up.

The thought of rejection scares her to bits but the thought of solitude is her only comfort. Wanting to be alone and not alone is an exhausting mind-stretched space to inhabit so she opens a bottle to drown out the ricocheting pressure of the need to make any kind of decision one way or another.

In or out. Yes or no. Forward or back.

Truth or dare.

They tell her a hobby would help or maybe a man but she isn’t sure what help is supposed to actually mean so she picks up some arty shit at the craft place up the street and stares at it until finally shoving it all under the bed, lighting a cigarette and staring off into the gray distance.

Never minding the gray dishes in the gray sink.

She doesn’t want to draw this feeling. She doesn’t want to paint the terrible.

Writing is the only thing worth anything to her but that’s the problem right there: writing isn’t like anything else and it isn’t a hobby.

It’s everything real and sacred and true and it is the only thing that can save her because it has to.

It has to.

.

Photo by Victoria Volkova

18 Replies to “Twitch”

  1. Reblogged this on Notes and commented:
    “Writing is the only thing worth anything to her but that’s the problem right there: writing isn’t like anything else and it isn’t a hobby.

    It’s everything real and sacred and true and it is the only thing that can save her because it has to.

    It has to.”

    Liked by 2 people

  2. We are such strange creatures. Resilient when it comes to surviving life yet at the same time easily devastated and crippled when it comes to matter of our hearts. Why is it that we are personally so deeply hurt by betrayal yet we tend to rationalize it when someone else is betrayed? Passionate love is sadly not the most powerful of things we will ever experience. The fallout from that same passionate love falling apart is infinitely more powerful (sadly in a negative way). It perpetually bugs me that we are built in such a way. Your words are powerful for they shine a light on the ugly truth and decay that spreads within us. Is it our egos that do this to us? Sigh… ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Everything you say is true, thank you for sharing your connections with this piece. We are strange. I often wonder what it would be like to be someone who doesn’t think about these things I obsess about. I don’t understand those people, much as they do not understand me. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Right?! I find it impossible to fully embrace the reality of someone that either doesn’t think about these things or just accepts them as if there is no other way to be. One would think that with the broadening the horizons via information available due to ever growing internet we’d actually evolve into more wholesome beings. Instead we choose to further embrace the ignorance and denial. Perhaps it makes life easier… though I think not. It all eventually comes out, the skeletons, the pain, the regrets, all gushing uncontrollably… ❤️

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Yes! See, you get it. I wouldn’t trade our way of seeing things for anything in the world. Even if it means living out on the periphery of where other people can’t reach. So often I feel I reject more than I let in. To stay safe from being made like the others who don’t bother to explore their own depths. What is life…. ❤ ❤ ❤

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Yeah… life unexplored is not really life. Sadly when people talk of explorations they only think about the external world exploration and only a few bother with the internal exploration despite being continuously bombarded by the “be in touch of your inner self” messages that most of the time actually mean “don’t dig too deep because depth can’t be tackled with one liner wisdom.” ❤ ❤ ❤

            Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow. I feel like the only thing that would be appropriate to say is that… I heard you. This piece deserves to be appreciated in silence. It hits so hard in all the right places, attacking every inch of what is wrong and every inch of what is said to be right…

    Liked by 1 person

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