Run, Girl

Beyond the painful thoughts which stab and prick underneath my skin, there is a field of beautiful dreams which I create out of desperation or maybe because I have always believed in magic while cursing the manic grief that is the current state of affairs in a world turned bitter and diseased.

The sun glares so bright against the hills of snow I have to squint and shield my eyes for fear of going blind. Everything is covered in shimmering crystal and for a while I know that I am made of it. Clean. Prismatic. That in each ray of light which bounces off of each tiny droplet of frozen water and ice, I exist shining for all to see across the miles.

When the world has all gone to shit and the weight of it on my tiny bones is too much to take, I run off to be alone, to unhook myself from the walls they pin me to so they can take what they want and leave the rest. There are vultures and they are everywhere and they do not smile or turn their heads, but rather pierce you square in the mouth with their dead black eyes. Blood suckers. Fools. Maggots.

In the field I am alone with the sky, the grass, the earth, sun, moon, birds, animals, butterflies, flowers, trees. It is every hour of every season all at once and the ocean breathes its way through the tall stalks as I am one with all of my surroundings.

I am not the cage of my body or the fence around my mind.

I am only expansion, uncontained, unowned. Free. Beautiful. Raw. It’s the rawness that is the most beautiful. A creature dangerous in its unpredictability.

I am not who I pretend to be to get along in this world which crushes out the soul like a cigarette under its thick dirty boot.

Ever since I turned twelve, I have had this nagging little fear of going to wide open spaces alone because: murderers. It may sound insane but there is this thing that always happens to me, and I do mean always.

No matter where it is, an empty beach, an empty street, an empty classroom, hallway, deli, restaurant. Out of nowhere, a stranger will appear and he will act strangely near me, at me, to me. I have done nothing but exist alone minding my business, and the universe will sense my aloneness and send in some manner of lunatic to interrupt my solitude with their unhinged antics.

It is maddening. It stunts my life. Makes me paranoid, jumpy, distracted.

Perhaps for this reason, in my mind I run into that field of dreams to escape the world which seems to stalk me back into myself.

Perhaps we are all someone we don’t want to be. And yet perhaps we wish we were so much more of ourselves at the same time.

Because the truth is that the animal within is monumental in its power to tempt. To betray. To seduce. To see, to touch, to awaken. To dare, to jump, to leap, to fly.

To kill.

To multiply.

To say No. To say Yes.

To open and open and open endlessly, do you understand? When you show them exactly what you are, you show them exactly what they are.

But they are too terrified to see.

.

Photo by Dima Kosh

15 Replies to “Run, Girl”

  1. In the late nineteen sixties my parents bought a shell of a stone barn on Dartmoor and perhaps their young dream was to move there from London. But they didn’t. I do remember we had some amazing holidays there. It was such a wreck that we would pitch a tent inside to sleep on the concrete floor! But, it was in the middle of nowhere and the moors were so magical to me as a six year old. I could go off on my own and play all day burrowing hideaways in the haystacks, damming streams, making bows and arrows…boy things that would make many parents recoil in horror these days I suppose. But these were my beginnings. I remember never being afraid to be out alone except when I had to walk along the narrow, twisting lanes that were bordered by (to me, I suppose) towering hedgerow. The thing that would scare me was when I could hear a vehicle coming down the lane. Because they were so twisty and narrow the unseen vehicle, be it tractor or rare car, would honk their horn in a series of blasts to warn others of their approach: this is what scared me; terrified me; the sound, the unseen. I would scuttle into the hedgerow and hide there until they had passed. Even to this day if ever i am on a quiet, out of the way lane, walking, I am at once six again!

    Lovely post, as ever, AMC.
    The comeback kid xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I loved reading this comment so much, Nick Reeves. I was smiling remembering now that there were acres and acres of fields and forests behind my uncle’s farm that I would run in, grabbing for water bugs in the stream and gazing up in awe at the endlessness of the sky. Perhaps there is something in each of us which closes around a childhood fear, our first sense of aloneness as threat and ourselves as small against the scary sounds, the loudness of the unseen. Thank you for sharing your stories, as always you charm and intrigue, Comeback Kid. xoxoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Reblogged this on Notes and commented:
    Just like trillions of stars, billions of galaxies and unmeasurable amount of planets and comets, all of us humans are wandering from one remote lonely place to another crowded one. Just like how they are not same after collision with another star or planet/comet, I think we do not stay the same after interacting with another. For example, whenever I interact with writers or poets, I try to notice the difference between their writings before and after my arrivals in their lives (as audience, co-writer, or anything else). This impact we have upon each other is what makes us who we are. I said somewhere;

    “I am sum of everyone I have been with”.

    This does not always apply on having had romantic interaction but also with my mentors, teachers, co-travelers, or just about anybody virtually out there.

    Allison’s words here make me think that she has not fallen in love yet. She may think that it has happened in various degrees with different people, but her being still terrified is a testament to that awesome and beautiful-beyond-words thing (GREAT love) has yet to happen to her being. And after that happens, I would love to see how her words, writings and the outlook of life changes.

    Liked by 2 people

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