The snow is coming down like a beautiful crystal mess. In each intricate icy bit of frozen lace, the rigid pixels of the year falling down on hard pavement.
Melting like a suicide. Like an attempt to disappear by smoothly changing form. The texture of resistance, slipping, slipping.
There is a softness in the sharp cut of the cold that cannot be explained because it stands still in the midst of the motion.
Peace at the center of the chaos, as if it had never ceased to exist.
It’s the gray dullness of a winter afternoon just around two o’clock which is the time of day I hate the most. It’s too late and too early to decide what to do because you are sick to death of the morning dragging itself on and your bones ache for the sensual cover of evening dark.
For the life of me I cannot understand why people hate the early darkness of winter. What are they even doing in the light that is so goddamn important?
I am standing in my back garden watching the tall naked trees cling to the blanketing white, all is quiet as the heartbeat underneath the stiffened fingers of my rib cage.
Stepping into the doorway under a tiny overhang, I light up a cigarette and take a sweet deep suck, my cheeks pulling in like carved hollows. I know I shouldn’t but I love the dirty taste. I crave the clench in my tender lungs like a pathetic ragged hug.
Smoke curls up into the white swirling around me as I imagine drifting away entirely, my body only a whisper on the wind which moves the highest branches against a pillowed sky.
Before we can know what we even had we are ready to lose it all for a lick of the desire for something so much more than this. For all the beauty, there is a sadness we cling to perhaps so that we don’t lose ourselves into the madness.
Pain as sanity. Pain as anchor. Pain as real.
But when I look out across a landscape flush with fallen leaves, fallen trees, broken fences crushed against broken dreams, I wonder.
Can’t we just cover it.
Bury it, let it freeze. Pretend like the past didn’t hurt us in places we refuse to see.
Photo by Taya Iv