Posted on by Allison Marie Conway

If 2020 Taught Me Anything It’s This

Somehow the radical reality of this year seems to be setting in as we are pushed into the holidays. I have no problems staying home. Staying in. Staying isolated.

Both because I want nothing to do with spreading the deadly virus, and because I’m just really, heavily, fully, mightily tired.

Learning to hold righteous rage in the same palmed fist with genuine compassion has left me feeling raw, shredded, exposed, and inadequate in so very many ways.

Being unable to hug the ones I love the most in this world has left me feeling a loneliness I never knew I could feel. A longing stretches out within me, a reaching, a craving for the kind of up close and intimate touching I always loved but now realize I took for granted, too.

I am a big bear tight squeeze hugger. Hugging is my favorite. Not in a creepy way, mind you, in the kind of way where it is just a flood of gratitude to be with each other. A tiny fleeting ecstatic celebration. That we have each other. That we can hold on and hold fast and know we are not alone hurtling through empty space.

A lot of empty space this year. And plenty of chaos, fear, terror, and turmoil to fill it.

So I’m not going to fill my holidays with screens or Zooms or chaos. I can’t stomach it. I can’t be bothered to do or be a single thing or way other than what I am. Exhausted. Over it. Done.

There will be plenty of delicious food, and many bottles of wine. There will be a table glowing with candles and set elegantly with silverware and crystal for my two greatest loves in all the universe, my husband and my son.

There will be holiday jazz.

There will be pine boughs on the mantle.

There will be pajamas all day and an endless number of cut logs blazing in the fireplace.

Warm hearts and laughter and complete and total ignorance of the outside world.

I need my bubble now. I need to reconnect with the beauty of nature and the quiet thorough joy of reading for hours on end. Leftovers. Sleeping in. Twinkle lights.

The thing about 2020 has been the countless ways it has broken, stretched, and shattered my insides. The hard lessons. The breathtaking manner in which people and events, culture and society, have snapped me wide awake.

Hit me like a lightening bolt over and over and over again.

But the truth is you cannot stay awake forever. You will go insane.

So for now, rest.

For now, enough.

For now, peace in our tiny homes.

In our little trembling hearts.

 

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Photo by Joyce Huis

 

 

22 Replies to “If 2020 Taught Me Anything It’s This”

  3. Beautifully written. As always. In a way you described what may be the best holiday ever though. Delicious foods. Wine. Music. Logs singing as fire devours them. Forever pajama party. And your two greatest loves there with you. Just reading that revived me in a way. Momentarily tiredness lifted. You described a way to find bliss even after the most surreal and terrifying of years. Thank you. Oh, I am a big bear huger too. Sometimes due to my size bear crushing hugs… 😜 Lastly, are there any other kind of hugs at all? ☺️❤️❤️❤️

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    1. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for my life. Maybe more so than ever, in an ironic twist. We have become ever more clear, aware of what is precious and good and true. ❤ Everything you say touches my heart. I am so grateful for you. How did I know you were a bear hugger, too?? Haha people are often fooled by my size. I may be small but I will crush you just the same. 🙂 ❤ ❤

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      1. So lovely to read this. Covid 19 truly gave us all a chance for some introspection and if brave enough – facing what was there all along, however, the rat race life we led prior to pandemic distracted us from at times the most simple yet at the same time the most heartwarming things that were already there in our lives. I am grateful too for crossing your path (I believe sometime near the end of 2019) for your jaw-dropping writing helped me navigate through perhaps the hardest days of my life so far. So… here’s to crushing bear hugs that add magic into our lives and hopefully spread it into other people’s lives as well. ❤ ❤ ❤

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  6. This year has really been tough. I yoo really miss hugging my lives ones. This year has hit me hard in the beginning. Went through a break up, the person I loved more than myself cheated on me. We may not know each other but we do feel the same. How you do well.

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  7. Pingback: If 2020 Taught Me Anything It’s This – Kreativ Solo

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