Posted on by Allison Marie Conway

Dark Cloud (audio)

You expect me to be slick and clever, witty and warmly engaging but today I am none of those things. Today I am a dark cloud hovering. Pent up. Swollen. My tears and my nerves pressing against the grain inside my skin.

As the rain moves in, I sink into my study but I cannot concentrate. I am distracted by the stacks of books, the words and thoughts, the poetry of others. Jumping back and forth from The New Yorker to Baudelaire, I run a hand across my forehead wondering who in the hell I am anymore.

When all this is over, I won’t want to go back to the way it was before. I will want to stay at home. I will want to be away from people just like I always have. I won’t want to get dressed.

There are days when you are so sure, so positively certain, that nobody cares. You sink into the lowest parts of your own human heart and you can feel the blank sadness. You can feel the grip of the lonely. Hear her sighs. Fold into them, watch the rain falling down quiet and soft against the trees, the grass, the little angel statue in the garden.

I think of all the losses suffered all across the world, the sheer staggering amount of grief and pain. My whole being is crushed beneath the collective weight. I try to dream up a new vision to keep me going. I make tea. I help a young writer to remember who she is, encourage her to pay attention to each of her feelings, especially the dark ones.

The shadows swallow the fear and live with it alone in corners. I don’t know why I am drawn to the them, the shadows, the corners, the hidden, the untraceable. I don’t know why but there is nothing more beautiful to me than the sun blotted out, shielded over, drowned in the wet sweetness of the rain.

37 Replies to “Dark Cloud (audio)”

  4. Awesome Allison!!! So love to hear your recitation!! It is a sad time with all the death and loss!! I feel it too and it is depressing but there are good stories too of those who went through the fire and survived!! Please don’t circle in the whirlpool, My Dear!!! Put on some upbeat happy music. Music soothes the soul. There will be a brighter tomorrow up ahead, I promise!! Loved this post. You have such a talent with words and phrases. You left seeds of inspiration, and I thank you!!
    Chuck
    xoxo

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    1. Hello there, Chuck, thank you for such kind words. I am so touched and grateful that you enjoy listening to my voice. There are many good stories indeed. But I need to take my time and be with the hurt and the pain, that is what my heart and soul need sometimes, that is why I love and cherish art, the rawness, the honesty. I am not someone who can gloss over the ugly, I need to be with it. I am so glad you loved this post, and I thank you for your kind encouraging words about my writing. Sending you love, my dear. Take good care of yourself. ❤

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      1. Love listening to Your voice and your recitation!! You do it so very well compared to so many that do recitations!!! Wonderful to listen to!! I know what you mean about have to stay in the pain for awhile.. Pain seems to be the best inspiration sometimes? Wishing you Love, Happiness and Health Allison!! Keep yourself safe for us!!!
        Chuck 😊🌹

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        1. Why, thank you! 🙂 I love speaking the words, it is something I very much enjoy, so I am pleased it is enjoyable for you, too. And yes, I do believe the pain possesses its own important power, it can transform me, when I engage with it respectfully. Not for pity, but to honor it. Let it touch and teach me, change me, awaken me. I know you understand, as a fellow artist… wishing you every blessed thing, Chuck. I will stay safe, I promise. You, too. ❤ ❤

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          1. I’m happy to see you like to recite your work. Hard to explain what it is that makes it so great, maybe more like conversation??? Yes, pain gives you an opportunity to stop and look at things from some different perspectives! Yes, been there, done that. Some of my very best pieces have come while in that place!!! You are too, sweet Allison!! Wishing you blessings too, My Dear!! I’m happy to hear your promise!! Now I don’t have to get out the rosary!! Chuck 😊🌹

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                  2. You are so Funny – I will try and do my very best! – I can tell you are one who does not do anything unless it is your very best – Ever!! I know You, Me and all your followers and readers will see it is your best too!! I do love that you are humble though, shows a great spirit!
                    Chuck 😊🌹💕

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              1. Yes, You are so right about our secret escape!! I love the connections I make on WP, including you!!! The world is making me sad to be sure. The sad and horrible loss of life. People suddenly taken away without being able to have loved ones there!! I tear up at the news!! I wrote “No Goodbye Kiss” about this. Reposted it yesterday! You have a great day, Allison!!! 🌹😊

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                  1. It was 4/26! Yeah, I drift into this place from time to time for reasons, one being my brother intentionally OD’d in 1976. It comes back to me and makes me wonder and wish it could be different. I hear people say let the past go, but for me the past is part of what makes us what we are, doesn’t it Just me
                    Chuck

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                    1. Chuck, I am so sorry, so very sorry about the tragic loss of your brother. I have experience with this as well, and my heart aches for you and all who have suffered at the cruel hands of addiction. And I very much appreciate your perspective on the past. It does absolutely shape and form us. It is braided into our psyche, our being. ❤

                      Liked by 1 person

  7. Achingly beautiful descriptions of the dark times. Your soothing voice has the poet’s edge of uncertainty. Thankyou for the beauty from the storm-clouds. 💖🌹🙏 from another experienced shadow.

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