Fake

Everybody plays along and nobody fits in but oh how desperately they try, how they let the fears of being left behind fry their nerves like shredded electric wires underneath their skin. It’s not that I don’t have it in me to get on well with others it’s just that the others exhaust me with their unspoken angst as they chew it and swallow it over and over again. You want to go and you want to stay and you want it both ways without letting go of either until something inside of you that used to sparkle and dance turns motionless and cold. What happened to the girl who looked so lovingly into her own shy heart? Where do you go when no one’s around and the shadows want to play? Who have you come here to save and are you doing it now as promised or are you just killing time until the next shiny object comes along? It has been so long since I’ve felt invited into a day’s unfolding hand. They make the rules and you say you’ll break them but you won’t, you never will because the fear they fed you is working and you’d sooner die than risk the safety of the monotony of one foot in front of the other, dead on arrival before you even step outside. The sun is shining bright and cruel upon the pavement as I make my way toward no where in particular. The air is excitable even as it smells like a coming frigid rain, not a cloud in sight though so maybe because of all the holiday drama my instincts are off. All around me are the little rich sporty people with their green smoothies swearing up and down about dry January. Why don’t I just give in? Why don’t I just suck it up and be like everyone else, stop thinking so much and just do the things which somehow make you simultaneously attractive and invisible. The world being far too beaming a place for me to stomach at the moment, I arrive back home and open my laptop. I think about a winter morning sky that was blue enough to blind you if you took it in straight. Razor blue, the kind of blue screaming so loudly of perfection it cuts at the veins like knives. A perfect lover’s mouth without a face which spoke about sex acts and death and whose infectious words dripped all over my body like warm honey. I know it’s tough out there and even the things you thought would save you have left you broken and afraid of your own footsteps. I know there are dark urges the mirror cannot reflect. I know sometimes out of nowhere your insides twist and it gets harder and harder to breathe. But if I could find you, touch you where the pain makes you exquisite, if I could catch a glimpse of the fire in your dark sharp eyes, I would give you everything I had left in me that hasn’t yet been ruined. I would write you a story which would quiver and shake inside of you, cause your beautiful blood to burn, your senses to rise to pulsing attention. I swear if you just let me in I would kiss you sweet, I would spread my ivory wings and split the blackened sky. I would risk it all to bring us back to life.